I want my hero back…

January 18, 2010

Ever since I was little, my dad has always been my hero, there to save me when I fell off my bike, or to read us bed time stories and make our teddies talk to us. But as you get older you get to find out secrets, secrets that can make you change your opinion of someone in a heart beat.

My family has many secrets, from affairs to un-fathered children. But the one that has changed my life is to find out what my dad really is. Now, hes not the typical alcoholic, not the drunk in the gutter whos asleep, or one that comes back screaming and chanting drunken choruses. Hes the worst kind, the secretive kind. The one who hides his addiction, by drinking away from home then using chewing gum as a cover up.  He knows what he is doing is wrong, but does nothing to change it, no matter how much we offer to help.

His actions rarely change, he appears sober, but when you look deeper his eyes tell the whole story. This is what annoys me, he really thinks we are all that stupid to realise what he is doing. He is selfish in my opinion. Which is partly true, he only cares for himself, and of course thealcohol.

When we confront him, we go through the usual pattern:

1: He denies it all.

2: He admits to having “a little drink…”

3: He admits to being an alcoholic

4: He swears hes going to change…not only for himself but for us too.

5: He cries, we all cry, we tell him how we feel, we pester him to get help

6: He promises to get help

7:We believe him

8: He tells us he loves us

9: We tell him no matter what hes still our dad

10: We don’t speak of it for a while….

I sit and think about it sometimes, I know clearly how we handle things are wrong, he needs our help. But how can you help someone who isnt willing to help themselves. Its draining, its hard and its killing me. Not to mention the fact the alcohol is killing him.

Does he not want to see me grow older…. because i would like him to be there

Does he not want to walk me and my sister down the aisle…. because I want him to

Does he not want to meet his grandchildren…. All kids need their grandparents

Does he not want to see his grandchildren grow older…. Mine saw me grow older why cant my children have that?

Does he really love alcohol more than us. I know that isnt true, but it sure as hell feels like it sometimes. When he lies, and tells me hes not doing it, I lose a little bit of respect for him each time, he slowly becomes the villain not the hero. He’s now the reason I cry at night, hes the reason I fall over, hes not there to help anymore.

Lies hurt. But hes still my dad, and I love him. I just want my hero back.

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Close Encounter – By ShortyB

As I sat there gazing aimlessly out the window, your smile caught my eye. The smile was not that of a friendly manner, or even a greeting. It was a smirk. As if you had just seen and ex-partner who had put a tremendous amount of weight on. This could have been the case. All I knew was that evil smirk stayed with me for hours. It wasn’t your lips that interested me; it was the glimmer of mischief within your eyes as they danced with the delight of what I could only assume was revenge. I was later then proven right as a chubby girl with a rather large bottom walked past and turned her head to look at you when you swaggered around her.

You walked into the cafe, your eyes still glistening with revenge; she must have really hurt you at some point. I couldn’t help but stare. At first I thought you noticed me looking, but you were merely pondering the specials board behind me. I had never felt so exposed. Your eyes were still tempting me, they were screaming “look at me…look at me” I refused. I didn’t want to get caught out. It would be slightly weird wouldn’t it? I decided to look at you through the mirror placed slightly to my left. Your eyes still distracting me. They distracted me so much so that I did not hear the waiter as he offered me my order. The waiter stood there shouting at me “Sausage Roll!” everybody looked. Including you. It wasn’t how loud he shouted it; it was the attitude, like he had been waiting there for me to answer all day. He might have been, I wouldn’t know.

You were still looking my way. Not at the specials this time. I would like to think that our eyes met and you felt the instant attraction I did, but I’m sure this was most likely wrong. Just a mild case of wishful thinking on my part. You did however whisper to the butch friend sitting next to you, whose eyes was not as mischievous as yours; they held a slight ounce of disgust. This disgust could quite likely be aimed at me, and my rude actions earlier. I decided I would leave a rather large tip to show that I am not rude I was simply distracted. I could not concentrate on my sausage roll because the thought of you being disgusted by me kept running through my mind. You’d finally stopped looking at me; I didn’t know whether to be thankful or worried. You stood up, your eyes still had a little hint of mischief, and your friends weren’t following you. You walked towards me. I wanted to get up too, but my legs seemed to have lost all movement, they obviously didn’t want to leave. So, much to my dismay, I remained seated. Numerous reactions to you walking past ran through my head, but when I had actually decided to ignore you, you had already disappeared.

You were gone a long time. I can’t remember how long exactly, but I had drunk four cups of coffee whilst waiting for you to return. When you did, I noticed that a look of terror had been transported to your face. You were heading towards me, this time I was going to smile. I had decided this whilst drinking the four cups of coffee. You looked my way. I smiled. You smiled. You left.

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